Storm

The sun gets further and further away from where I’m standing. Looking up to find the moon. There’s no moon. Only grey clouds.

I swear minutes ago I was hearing people talking and laughing, but now, all I hear is the howling wind. I don’t know. I think it replaced the laughing in the matter of seconds.

Howling wind always has a friend. We call it the lightning. And with Lightning comes the good old rain.

I always loved the smell of rain, the sound of lightning. Those were the good days when I was safe. In my room, under my blanket, looking out the window, admiring the view. But as years went by I got out of my room. I got out of my room more often. Sometimes I didn’t go back to my room, some nights I didn’t sleep under my own blanket. Today, I don’t remember much about it. I miss my room and I don’t think I’ll ever go back to it again.

Tonight, I don’t have time to admire the view.

I wish I did but I can’t. I don’t have time for that.

The rain wants me to drown. The lightning wants me to disappear and the wind wants me to fly. No room anymore. It’s just me, the ground and the sky.

Father always said stand still when the storm is coming, but all my father did was to prepare me for a breeze. This is no breeze and father’s not here to tell me what to do with this.

I guess I’ll stand still anyway.

Rain making my face wet, and wind blowing in my face. I think I can feel some parts of my face freeze. That’s okay. At least I can still breathe.

I hear the lightning. It’s not coming for me. I look around and I see trees falling. I remember these trees.

I remember cause I planted them and now, they’re falling one by one. Suddenly I’m surrounded by dead trees. Trees that Mother and I spent time and love on. They’re dead in front of me.

There’s nothing left but me. I close my eyes. This is it. This is my exit.

 

 

 

Howling wind stops.

Rain stops.

No sound of lightning.

 

I open my eyes. It’s bright. It’s morning.

I look around. I still see dead trees. But you know what? Fuck it. I lived. I’ll plant some more trees.

I look up. It’s bright but the air still feels kinda wet, that’s what happens after a rain. Even though the damage is bad, at least the sun is shining again.

 

 

Arian J. Salari

What meaning..

As you probably noticed, I haven’t posted for a while. I’m not really busy, and I do want to post. I just can’t seem to find anything to post about.

You know, if you look back, you’ll see all my posts have some sort of meaning or life lesson to them. I’ve been really trying to find something meaningful but I just wasn’t successful. It’s like sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I can’t find meaning in anything. Or maybe I’ve been trying too hard to put a meaning on everything I see. I guess sometimes there’s no meaning.

Not just in blogging. I’m talking about life here too.

Maybe it’s just the depression of going to school on Monday, but nothing says ‘Life is meaningless’ than an idle Sunday evening. Nothing is happening. You look out the window every few minutes and it gets darker and darker and you are waiting for something to happen, for someone to say something, but it’s dead silent. And it goes dark, and you spent your day waiting for nothing. That’s when it hits you. Where are we really going? Is there someone up there who knows where we’re going? Did someone build the road for us? Or is life meaningless?  Do we have a destination? Will we reach our destination, ever? What if everyday is a Sunday? Idle, meaningless, and a waste of time.

Processed with VSCOcam with p5 preset

I don’t know.

I’ll never know.

I always wanted to believe in a predetermined life. If I’m meant to be here, I’ll be here no matter what happens. If I’m not meant to be here, no matter how hard I try, it just wont happen. That would give me some security about the things that happen around me.

But what if I’m on my own? That’s scary.

Also that would mean that I came this far on my own, but still. The possibility of everything crashing down in a blink of an eye is scary. I hope it’s not like that.

I don’t know.

I’ll never know.

Don’t try too hard. You won’t know either. Meaning of life is way beyond our little brains. Or, maybe we can’t really find an answer, because there are none. No meaning whatsoever. I guess after this is all over, we’ll talk about it on the other side.

 

Cheers,

Arian J. Salari

 

 

 

A summer, not so summery

If it was the summer of 2012, the 16 year old me would be having fun, probably out in the streets, going around with his friends, playing video games all day, could sit and stare at the walls for hours, being stress free & all he’d worry about? Hydration, cause it’d be hot af outside.

IMG_0294

a few summers ago…

It is, however, the summer of 2016.

The 20 year old Arian would only describe his summer as hot and stressful. That’s the thing about growing up. Not all the changes are in you. Things around you change too and changes are not always good. A year ago on this day, I was probably trying to win the premier leauge on FIFA 15 with Sheffield Wednesday. 365 days later, I am sitting on my couch trying to figure out; what am I gonna do with my life?

All the things that werent considered my problems a few months ago, are all suddenly my problems today. Loan, money, bank accounts, school, jobs, isnurance, tax, bills, due dates, health, etc. etc.

There is no point in complaining tho, since we all have to transform into adults one day, but just saying, this transformation is real. And it happens in a blink of an eye. And it will hit you so hard, you’ll stay down for a good couple of months.

But of course, this staying down is not permanent. There is a come back for all of us, sooner or later surely. It depends on how we are good at keeping up with the pace of things around us. Once you get used to this pace and intensity, you’re good to go. You know, like that scene in Matrix when after a few minutes of fighting, Neo blocks Agent Smith’s punches with one hand!

fighting_agsmith

I haven’t yet.

Still waiting to get used to it.

But I’ll admit, I accepted it. This is life now. And it will be like this, for a good couple of decades. If I chose this path, I can’t complain.

I suggest you get used to your transformation too. Certainly there’s nothing else you can do about it. Complaining is not an option. Bitching is never a solution.

Stay on top of things 🙂

 

 

Cheers,

Arian J. Salari

Accepted

a year ago on this day, I got accepted to UTM.

UTMRender2

I got accepted to a lot of universities after that, like McMaster and York, but I decided to go to UTM. Why did I choose UTM?

If you ask me in person, I might come up with some answers like “yeah the weather is good in Mississauga, the town is small, the community is tighter” but the truth is, I didn’t really have a reason.

I just chose UTM because it was the first university that accepted me and I thought that’s a good sign, and I went with my guts and accepted the offer.

I could never tell you what would’ve happened if I went to McMaster or York or UBC. Maybe things would’ve been better. Maybe things would’ve been worse. I don’t know.

But I can tell you, me going with my guts and choosing UTM turned out to be great. More than fine, to be honest. I won’t go in details about why or how it turned out to be great. You can define great by yourself.

Moral of the story is,

Sometimes, it’s good to go with what you feel like is the right choice. Instincts, guts. Call it whatever you want. But sometimes in life, there’s voice in your head that tells what might be better for you (in an absolutely non-psychotic way, lol). My advice to you for today is, every now and then listen to them and go with your feelings and do whatever you feel is right.

 

Cheers,

Arian J. Salari

 

We Worry

& What’s there to stop us from worrying?

nothing.

ecf0ef3e7e8778f893e7653f2ad72072

We always worry. About life, about school, about everything, we always worry. One of the perks (or disadvantages) of having an advanced brain and a higher thinking capacity is allowing thoughts of any kind enter the brain.

With my experience, 80% of the time I worried for nothing.

I was always worried about life in Canada, and it turned out well.

I was worried about my performance in high school, and it turned out well.

I was worried about getting accepted to University, and I got accepted.

I was worried about my marks, and they turned to be pretty fair.

or not.

sometimes not everything turns out well.

sometimes ‘well’ is not fair. You don’t know how this world works.

But chances are, the things you worry about right now are gonna be alright. Or will be alright if you do what you need to do. As a wise man once said, worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are things that don’t even cross your worried mind.

But remember if you really deserve it, you will have it. Life is more dependent on physics rules than you think.

Don’t worry about the future, and live your present life, like this is the only present life you will ever have.

 

Cheers,

Arian J. Salari

 

 

 

Home

There are three really important things in your life that you should be thankful for; your family, your health & happiness, and your home.

I’ve had a home ever since I was born, meaning that I’ve always had a roof over my head and that’s good. But never really had a place to call ‘home’.

The only place I called ‘home’ banned me from going in it. And if I ever really need to go back, it will be for a limited time and with supervision.

fd3719888810bf357177853db4917717

Locked outside of my own home, I’ve been moving around trying to find somewhere else to call home. Truth is, there’s no place like your real home. At least I never really found one.

Just like in real life when you visit someone’s house, you may find it bigger, prettier, with cooler paintings on the wall, and a bigger TV, but once the time goes past 12, you wanna go back and sleep in your own bed.

Just like me. I just wanna sleep in my own bed.

tehran1

So if you have a home, and by home I mean a place where it’s tension and pollution and noisiness and all the negative aspects of it taste like sugar in your mouth, be thankful. You’re already richer than most people.

Cheers,

Arian J. Salari